fire walk with me

... I told him that BOB was getting very very close and that I was trying as hard as I could to write about him to find out what he was, who he was, before he could get to me. I had been writing so much about him in my diary in poems and dreams and each time I did it I would see him at my window or feel him coming closer, but I wasn't sure if it was paranoia. . . . I just wanted to be normal. I just want to be like everybody else. I don't like having to be careful of who to talk to because someone might hate me if they knew the truth about me, about how dirty I am. And how somehow, I don't remember it, but, somehow everyday I asked to be treated this way. It always happens, so it must be something I don't realize I say, or something I think. I told him how I went to my safety deposit box and how I saw the drug money there and I had a fantasy about taking it and running away forever. But I didn't deserve that. I deserved to stay here. I had done something wrong. My heart hurt so badly, but I knew I had to stay.
I took the responses from my ad in Fleshworld home with me and stayed up all night putting pictures of me and my panties into envelopes . . . and how I had to keep getting higher and higher on coke so I wouldn't break down and cry and I didn't want anyone to hear my cries because they didn't matter to them anyway. They never have.

Love, Laura

PAGE RIPPED OUT (as found)

PAGE RIPPED OUT (as found)

Dear Diary,

Undated

I know who he is. I know exactly who and what BOB is, and I have to tell everyone. I have to tell someone and make them believe.
Someone has torn pages out of my diary, pages that help me realize maybe . . . pages with my poems, pages of writing, private pages.
I'm so afraid of death.
I'm so afraid that no one will believe me until after I have taken the seat that I fear has been saved for me in the darkness. Please don't hate me. I never meant to see the small hills and the fire. I never meant to see him or let him in.
Please, Diary, help me explain to everyone that I did not want what I have become. I did not want to have certain memories and realizations of him. I only did what any of us can do, in any situation. . . .
My very best.

Love, Laura

P.S. I'm giving you to Harold for safekeeping. I hope I see you again. I can't stay sober anymore. I just can't. I have to be numb.


THE PRECEDING WAS LAURA'S LAST
ENTRY. SHE WAS FOUND DEAD JUST
DAYS LATER.

1 4 2 or "You're delicious, dreaming slack jawed, green-eyed"

Great, exciting game!! Totally not what I expected against Buffalo! The mini-fight between BGL and Andrew Peters tonight sums up the game nicely:



Me likey! haha... I'll admit that I was a little skeptical about the Laraque signing last summer, but it sure is nice to have a bonafide enforcer on the team. And the fans at the Bell Center love it, especially since he's a hometown boy. Acually, I don't think anyone could call Georges Laraque "boy": he's all man.

Anyway, the game was a little closer than I would have liked - we had to come from behind 3 times - but i'll take an overtime win any day, baby! Next up, Carolina, and then no hockey until the 27 :(

If I can keep my Habs prediction streak going, and catch a few other teams' games, I'll do some Mise-au-Jeu and try to make a little money off of it! And if that goes well, I'll have to hit up the Casino over the holidays. Nothing I love more than some good company, a (few) stiff drink(s), a little icing sugar and a few hours of Keno! hahaha


I'm re-reading The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer that David Lynch's daughter Jennifer wrote. It's too bad that the few films that she directed were such utter disasters; I thought the diary was so promising. Maye she should stick to writing. I'm on a bit of a Twin Peaks bender at the moment. Sarah and I are gonna bake a cherry pie and have a Twin Peaks marathon during the holidays. I can't wait!! It is so crazy just how deeply affecting it is reading this again. I remember why it got to me so much the fist time round. So many parallels to be drawn between my teenage years and hers. Had I a few drinks in me, I would maybe even be tempted to post the lyrics to the song I wrote about her years ago. Luckily, that is not the case! haha

Even though I was wrong about Kovalev breaking his slump last week, he did manage to score the game after. Tonight I have a feeling... I predict victory!!! Buffalo is going down - as long as we dictate the style of play and not adjust to an inferior team's style.

Still lots of injuries, AK46 being the latest to go down. He's only day-to-day tho. I hope Price is back in nets tonight or tomorrow against Carolina. Halak makes me nervous with all the rebounds. I'm also predicting a victory tomorrow night to avenge that piss-poor effort against Carolina last week.

tripping down memory lane

Noah, the almighty rave.ca admin seems to have put up all the old threads that were lost a few years ago when ravewave switched servers. I just spent the better part of the last 3 hours reading all 3500+ messages I posted on the forums since 2003. Some were funny, some were cringe-worthy and some were downright sad. My only solace is that at the time I was usually on ravewave all day while working at my dad's "tea shop", so all that crap I spewed was really just in the name of killing time. The weirdest thing was realizing that my writing style and sentence structure was far superior 5 years ago. And that's what I have to show for 4 years in English Lit?! HA!

Wrote my first and only final of the semester today; I think it went well. We shall see...

Tomorrow, before work, I'm booking my flight to Costa Rica on travelcuts.com. Roundtrip Montreal to Costa Rica with a layover in Alanta on the way home for 530$ incl. taxes and surcharges! INCROYABLE! haha ! My share for the house that Sharon rented for the month is gonna be 150$. So, basically, I get a 10-day vacation to Central America for under a grand - sweet deal. This will also be the first time I get to travel with friends; been around the world and back but always with family or by myself. The destination itself isn't anywhere I've been particularly itching to see, but 10 days with my girl friends down south in the heart of winter is gonna be sooooooo sweet!!

I've actually had a very good week. Things are looking up for now. If only I could get... nevermind... ;)

This is not a test, it's difficulty
Picture closely, the ignorant mostly
Blind, deaf, dumb, your mind left numb
Lost soul who failed to hear the roll of the drum
In the bottom of your bomb shelter, still felt the
heavy blast that blew off the masks of twelve welders
The math of an elder, praise the Lord - thank you Genius
Operation: Project English
Commander-n-chief of flight style, check the aircraft
Glide like the frisbee, Digi look Disney
To check fault in oneself is pure loveliness
You break the mirror that remind you of your ugliness
So when I bust, no one is untouched
Some returning with the mic clutched, like such
who plan but never execute
He had the heat in his hand, but yo he didn't shoot
Therefore; your mechanism of material better be sickly
or let your lead spread incredibly quickly
I move bravely, travellin on a horse
on the battlefield, surrounded by the lost
of those who plotted with the brains of animals
My high molecular structure be untangible
The name ring a bell, killable two syllable
The Wu is comin through, the outcome is critical
To be blunt, the beef was cooked up like coke goods
The rhyme first came to me in the oak woods
Up to no good, rap icon
"Milk" the industry like the Wall Street junk bond
You see the bright stone, I got your height sewn
Direct current, that move through the mic-phone
Key contributor, well known major factor
Rhyme distributor, the drive of a tractor
who run ya down if you don't wanna move or wanna linger

The immortality of my fame is the measure of other's torture
Burnt offer, from a flamin author
The falconer who flies enough birds for the chase
Strictly excel in what is excellence with grace
The significance was not the vulgar applause of interest
but the feelin that exit, completion of a sentence
With age and experience, my reason ripens
I strike on you Vikings, slash like a hyphen
If you enter the house of fortune by the gate of pleasure
You will leave by sorrow, the flow measures
everything fails with the unfortunate
Learned that recordin it, so my mind broaden it
Track records, ranks us, with the exceptional
Extreme complex physics, high technical
The truth is usually seen and rarely heard
What's more dangerous than hatred, is the word
You wild cards, Jack of all trades
Those who parade their positions, show their Spades
A large flock of MC's, they figure to be taught
It ain't hard to see why I'm vigorously saught


GZA - Breaker, Breaker

go habs go

Washington is visiting the Bell Center tonight. Koivu is out with an ankle injury, which flat out sucks. Apparently we used all our good luck in the injury department last season. Komisarek has been out since that horrible, horrible game against Boston what seems like an eternity ago. Dandenault fractured his arm a few days ago and Higgy's out indeterminally. The only good thing about the situation is the fact that it's still relatively early in the season.

Kovalev is wearing the "C" tonight since Koivu's out. He hasn't scored in something like 17 games. I'm calling it: at least 2 goals for Kovy tonight. ;)

how the end always is..

Still stuck in Cure land.

My obsession tends to ebb and flow. At the moment it's ebbing (or is it flowing?!)

No matter. It's such a comfort knowing that regardless of what's going on around me, I can pop in Disintegration or Wish or Pornography or Faith (or to a lesser degree any of the 9 others) and get lost in Robert's voice. While my raging physical attraction to him has waned over the years, his voice... oh, his voice...

I know every single Cure song ever recorded inside and out - I can play every bassline and every guitar hook, I can play entire albums in my head from start to finish. And yet, even after listening to certain songs for the thousandth time, they still evoke that special feeling that no other band has ever gotten close to providing for me. I think it's time to seriously consider my Cure tat, cause at this point I know that I'm hooked for life.

It is a damn shame that Robert slacks off in the lyrics department these days. I can understand that after 30 years of writing lyrics, maybe he's said all that he has to say. Despite that, the sheer lyrical brilliance of Robert Smith in his prime has and will never be matched. I defy anyone to prove me wrong.

I mean, take Disintegration: 7 mins of the most intensely devastating lyrics delivered with anger and yearning unlike any other vocalist can match... utter, complete brilliance...

dropping through sky
through the glass of your roof
through the roof of your mouth
through the mouth of your eye
through the eye of a needle
it's easier for me to get closer to heaven
than ever feel whole again...

The Cure on Leno any minute now!!

My love for the Cure must be boundless... I've sat through 12 mins of the Tonight Show so far, and the guest tonight is TOM CRUISE!! hahahaha.. I'm trying to picture Tom and Robert Smith rubbing elbows in the green room before the show. Also, the weird dynamic in the crowd between the Cruise and Cure fans!!

I've always been way more partial to Letterman, though these days Colbert and Stewart are all the latenight TV guys I need.

R.I.P Bettie Page. A true beauty, unlike what passes for it these days.

Got caught up on the edge of the deep green sea tonight. This song... so many memories. I remember when we used to whisper the lyrics to each other during those endless nights years ago...

Every time we do this
I fall for her
Wave after wave after wave
It's all for her
I know this can't be wrong i say
(and i'll lie to keep her happy)
As long as i know that you know
That today i belong
Right here with you
Right here with you...

And so we watch the sun come up
From the edge of the deep green sea
And she listens like her head's on fire
Like she wants to believe in me
So i try
Put your hands in the sky
Surrender
Remember
We'll be here forever
And we'll never say goodbye...

I've never been so
Colourfully-see-through-head before
I've never been so
Wonderfully-me-you-want-some-more
And all i want is to keep it like this
You and me alone
A secret kiss
And don't go home
Don't go away
Don't let this end
Please stay
Not just for today

Never never never never never let me go she says
Hold me like this for a hundred thousand million days
But suddenly she slows
And looks down at my breaking face
Why do you cry? what did i say?
But it's just rain i smile
Brushing my tears away...

I wish i could just stop
I know another moment will break my heart
Too many tears
Too many times
Too many years i've cried over you

How much more can we use it up?
Drink it dry?
Take this drug?
Looking for something forever gone
But something
We will always want?

Why why why are you letting me go? she says
I feel you pulling back
I feel you changing shape...
And just as i'm breaking free
She hangs herself in front of me
Slips her dress like a flag to the floor
And hands in the sky
Surrenders it all...

I wish i could just stop
I know another moment will break my heart
Too many tears
Too many times
Too many years i've cried for you
It's always the same
Wake up in the rain
Head in pain
Hung in shame
A different name
Same old game
Love in vain
And miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Away from home again...

---

Yesterday, I found out that you got married last month. 10 years ago, my friends all told me that with time, things would get easier. I'm still waiting. I guess the difference between us is that when I said forever, I meant it. "Hold me like this for a hundred thousand million days", indeed.

Je suis tellement fière d'être québecoise, mais je suis Canadienne avant tout.

No more elections for a few years, plz!!

Just got home from work. Damn, is it ever cold!! Just a few days ago, I was marveling at how mild it has been so far in December and I think I jinxed the province. -20C all day today, not even counting the wind chill.

On my way home from Chrysler on the bus I was listening to the radio on my Mp3 player as the election results were coming in. First off, since I didn't get the chance to vote today I suppose I'm not entitled to bitch about the results. However, it was way too cold to walk to the polling station before work which resulted in the lowest voter turnout in our provincial elections at something like 57%.

The Liberals got a slim majority with 66 seats,the Parti Quebecois did better than expected with 51 and the ADQ crumbled, winning only 7 seats (Mario Dumont resigned as head of the ADQ, which is pretty much the only good news).

So I'm sitting in the crowded 215 listening to the radio and Pauline Marois is giving her "victory speech" (congrats on losing the election??). The Parti Quebecois militants are chanting "ON VEUT UN PAYS!! ON VEUT UN PAYS!!" (WE WANT A COUNTRY!! WE WANT A COUNTRY!!) in the background and as soon as I hear this, my eyes well up with tears. I must of looked like a real idiot, on the verge of crying, but thankfully no one was paying attention. So to this she replies to the crowd: "On va l'avoir, c'est sure" (We will get it, for sure!). I am so sick of these fucking separatists... they may want their country, but why the hell do they deserve to tear mine apart in the process? This good showing by the PQ could very well rally the separatists who have been pretty quiet since losing the referendum in '95.

I love my country and I love my province. I love living in Montreal; there is nowhere else in the world that I would rather call home. But if the PQ starts rocking the boat and talking about separation and referendums again, I am out of here. I just can't take deal with this again. In 1995, we came within 1% of Quebec separating from Canada. I was 13 years old, and worried sick that I could wake up in a different country than the one I went to bed in.



Just watching this video brings back all the anxiety and emotion of that night.

Even more telling is the video from the cbc.ca archives of the broadcast that night: here Poor Peter Mansbridge sounds so deflated at the beginning of the segment when the Yes side was still ahead. It's so touching to hear the reactions of the crew and people behind the scenes - it goes to show just how emotional that night was for every single person in this country.

Now I'm not even all that politically-minded, but I was raised to be a proud Canadian. My mother sent me to a French elementary because she wanted me to learn French so that I would have every opportunity to work here. I am so thankful to her for having this foresight. I don't know anyone who is more bilingual than my mom, but she was raised in a French neighborhood. I grew up in the English part of town with almost exclusively English friends, but thanks to my six years at Charlemagne, I speak near perfect French. I hold as much resentment towards Anglophones who live here and make zero attempt to learn the language (some of my best friends included) as I do to the separatists who refuse to utter a word of English. In the long run, though, it's the pettiness and xenophobia of the separatist Quebecois that make them the bigger of two evils. It's all good and fine if you plan on spending the rest of your life in Abitibi-Temiscamingue or some backwoods town, but as soon as you set foot outside of the province you will come to realize that a knowledge of English is imperative if you plan on traveling or doing business outside of Quebec. I will grant that Quebec is a distinct society, but is it anymore than British-Columbia, or any of the Maritime provinces? (Ontario and the Prairies are pretty much all the same thing anyway! hahaha) I apologize for the ranting and raving, but this is something that, even in Montreal, affects usona day-to-day basis. English-French relations in this province can be tenuous, and there is so much history to consider. It is something that profoundly interests me, and should I ever decide to do a Master's degree, I would love to study it more in-depth, be it through Linguistics or Sociology or History or whatever. That, however, is VERY unlikely! haha.. I'm gona take my bachelor's degree and run!!!

So, all that said, I really hate provincial politics here. These sovereigntists always try to play the US against THEM game. They have made me feel that since my name is not Louise Tremblay or whatever, that I do not belong here, that I am not a Quebecer. We've had a 13-year reprieve , with no talk of seperation; politics here had begun to shift more towards left vs. right ideologies instead of Federalists vs. seperatists. Now, with Marois seemingly lighting a fire under the sovereigntists' butts, I am so scared that all this crap is going to boil over again. With the way the economy is going, and the state of wordly affairs in general, this PETTY DIVISIVENESS is the last thing we need. So, at the first whiff of the PQ gaining steam and any chance of another referendum, I'm packing my bags and saying goodbye to my home.

haha.. i just posted this in the video comment for the youtube video I posted above:

"ayoye.. en entendant le discourse de Marois a soir, avec le monde qui scande "On veut un pays!" ca m'a fait penser a 1995.

Honnetement, si jamais le Quebec obtient son independence, nous autres a Montreal, on va se separer du Quebec. Ca serait interessant, n'est-ce pas? Passer par les douanes chaque fois que vous venez en ville!! haha.. ca me fait rire. Comme si y'avais pas d'autres choses encore plus importants qu'un "Quebec libre".. l'economie en particulier."

(wow... listening to Marois' speech tonight, with people chanting "we want a country" made me think back to 1995. Honestly, if Quebec ever gets its independance, we here in Montreal wil seperate from Quebec. It would be interesting, don't you think? Having to clear customs every time you want to come to the city. haha.. it makes me laugh. As if there weren't more pressing issues at the moment than a "free Quebec", like the economy for instance...")

oh man, I am soooooo gonna get blasted by the separatists!! I'll be sure to post the most colorful remarks here.

Je suis tellement fière d'être québecoise, mais je suis Canadienne avant tout.

the stillness of 5am

just had a smoke outside - it's so dead and barren at this hour. It's 5:30am and I'm not the slightest bit tired; there's nothing on TV, too late to commit to a movie, i'm not in a reading mood, already passed my gaming hours quota for the day and i'm not about to start studying at this hour. I'M BORED!!! times like these make me wish that there was someone here with me to occupy/entertain/distract me/other things (:D)...

For now, this will have to do:

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam

I've been watching these puppies grow, play, sleep, twitch, sleep, play, etc.. for weeks. I'm not the biggest fan of dogs (cats are less smelly and have more personality) but these puppies are the absolute cutest!!

... I really do wish i had someone to talk to....

i dreamt that yesterday was really tomorrow

Watched Inland Empire for the second time last night. Still just as perplexed and Laura Dern's maniacal clown grin is just as traumatizing the second time round. David Lynch gets me every time; the genius of that man knows no bounds.

Just recorded an hour-long project for my sociolinguistics class at the Burgundy Lion with a few friends over a few pints. I'll prolly end up having to transcribe my input as [inaudible] due to having a few pints before eating anything. I can work around though. Despite that, I'm excited because I had a diverse group of people (Scottish, French Canadian and English Montrealer) which should provide some interesting data to explore. Way too tired to tackle that tonight, however, as I think bed is calling...

Last phonology class tomorrow. Final exam. By my calculations, even a 0/18% will yield a passing grade for the class. w00t. no pressure, but I want to avoid my GPA taking too big of a hit. We'll see...

There is currently a massive amount of sleet, sleeting down on the city right now. It made for an unpleasant walk home from the pub. Just a taste to come, though... I plan on becoming a hermit until March comes round!